Because of chocolate

Steps to going out with baby when exclusively pumping and while driving jeep wrangler:

1. Decide to go out and start dreading it

2. Wait for fussy baby to show signs of hunger

3. Distract baby with mobile while installing base of car seat in wrangler

3.1. Climb on backseat of Jeep

3.2 Spend 20 minutes trying to attach hook and hear baby cry

4. Warm up baby's bottle while baby screams in your ear and pulls your hair

5. Feed baby for 20 minutes

6. Hear baby fart loudly and feel poopy warmth in your admonen and leg

7. Burp baby

8. Go change baby and find out that all of his clothes and yours are covered in yellow poop

9. undress baby

10. Undress yourself

11. Hope that neighbors and mailman don't see it

12. Change baby's diaper

13. Place baby back at pack and play so he can watch mobile

14. Go get clean clothes for baby

15. Dress baby up

16. Spend 15 minutes cleaning yellow baby poop stain from his cloths with your bare hands

17. Put on whatever clothes you can find on your body and maybe some lipstick

18. Hear baby cry

19. Go to baby and find out he just wanted to say hello and is smiling

20. Drag pack and play where baby lays to the front of bathroom where you will pump.

21. Pump boobs for twenty minutes and stop fifty times to place pacifier back in baby's mouth

22. Place freshly expressed milk in other bottles and in the fridge

23. Clean bottles

24. Get diaper bag and check to see if there's enough diapers, wipes, change of clothes, formula, bottle, manual pump, blanket, extra pacifiers, protein bar for momma.

25. Wrestle with baby's arms and legs to place baby in car seat

26. Drag heavy car seat to garage

27. Go back to get cell phone and diaper bag

28. Open passenger car and place baby in car seat on it

29. Go around car and climb to back seat through driver's door

30. Pick up baby in car seat in a ninja move and latch seat on base.

31. Clim off car and climb back to driver's seat

Now you are all ready to go.

So this is why I never leave the house. Every time I am faced with step number one, I look at baby sitting on his bouncer, he looks at me and we say, "nah! Let's just stay home."

Except one day I had a sweet tooth and realized desperately that there was no chocolate in the house; not even the powder kind.

I looked at baby sitting on his bouncer. Baby looked at me and I said, "Baby, we are going out! Isnt it exciting?"

Because it was husband's birthday, a cake sounded like a grand idea and we got the Oreo kind, because it's oreo's birthday too. Oreo is 100 years old!

A few days later the entirety of cake has been consumed and I have a baby that doesn't stop crying. I am about to lose my mind and arrive and the pediatrician having my own meltdown.

The doctor simply asked, "Out of curiosity, have you had a little bit of chocolate lately?"

Only an entire cake, I think, but I just say, "yeah, a bit."

"Well, the caffeine in it relaxes their immature stomach, causing the bile to burn their esophagus, so you have to lay off the chocolate."

So we have no wine, no coffee, no leaving the house, no doing anything fun and now no chocolate! Aaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!

And then they wonder where postpartum depression comes from!