Baby math

I take baby to face the mirror while I carry him.

He looks at my image in the mirror and smiles.

Baby thoughts: Ow, look at that. Momma is so awesome that she is not only carrying me, but she is also over there.

Then baby looks at his image and frowns. He does his baby math:

x + y = x + who the hell is that round creature and why is he staring at me?

I tell baby, "Yes, that is you, baby! That round creature is you! The mirror is doing this crazyness!"

Baby giggles at creature, which giggles right back at him.

Baby thoughts: Ow, that round, short human that the other momma is holding is so silly!

Crazy bitch

I swore I would never be the type of woman that hands a baby to her husband as soon as he gets home from work and looks disoriented and unkempt.

The poor guy already worked all day, and worked late. He has his own shit at work, his added responsibilities as the boss man, the added stress of providing for a family and the possibility to be sent to war. He doesn't need to come home to a crazy bitch falling apart.

So why is it that when he comes home late last night, I am already inside the garage as he is parking, hand him the screaming baby, get in my car without saying a word, in my pajamas covered in baby vomit and my flip flops with socks on (one of each color), hair in disarray and no make up, and just take off?

Husband was still in his uniform, with his cover still on his head and a concerned look on his face, while holding screaming baby when I closed the garage door behind me and drove away.

Where did I drive to? I have no idea. I just drove aimlessly, going down random roads, turning around random streets, until I calmed down and realized I had no phone and no gps with me. That's when I also realized that in southern California all damn roads look all the damn same and said out loud, "Now where the fuck am I?"

When I finally found my way back home the house was dark and my husband sat on the couch with a baby in deep sleep. How in the world did he accomplish that?

He is patient and asks me what I need to remain sane? A gym membership? His car (because we all know how awful going out with baby in jeep is)? Clothes? Go back to work? Food?

I name a few things but in reality all I wanted was to curl up in a fetus position in a corner and just cry.

Genetics

He may have dad's blue eyes, hair and skin complexion, but the rest (especially cheeks) are all momma.

Matt & Momma

Semper cutie

I think we should start looking for Charlie

Focus on the mission

I think Charlie is over there

Hoorah!

So THAT'S why I am still fluffy

Here is an excerpt from Wikipedia on breast feeding. Here hoping that after three months this weight loss deal will pick up because my body is holding on to about eight pounds for dear life.

Postpartum changes

After birth, the fat stores created during pregnancy are primed to be metabolized through lactation. Several investigators have explored the relation between duration of lactation and postpartum weight change, and found a variety of outcomes. Overall, it has been observed that prolonged exclusivity of breastfeeding is associated with increased weight loss when controlling for gestational weight gain and postpartum caloric intake and expenditure.[66] Dietary intake and energy expenditure affect how much weight women lose with lactation. When nutrition is readily available, women compensate for increased energy demands by increasing intake and decreasing energy expenditure, rather than mobilizing fat stores. Fat mobilization appears to increase after the first 3 months postpartum, reflecting changes in the hormonal effects of lactation on maternal appetite as frequency of infant feeds decreases.[67] Some findings suggest that formula-feeding mothers during the first two months postpartum consume 600 to 800 fewer calories than breast-feeding mothers and lost substantially more weight. From 3 to 6 months post-partum, however, weight loss among breast-feeding women increased substantially.[68] These results suggest that in the early postpartum period, well-nourished women in developed nations tend to increase energy intake and/or decrease physical activity to meet the energy demands of lactation, whereas beyond 3 months, lactating women are more likely to mobilize fat stores. Longitudinal studies using skinfold thickness and MRI scanning of adipose tissue during pregnancy and lactation consistently show fat accumulation in the thigh and buttocks regions during pregnancy, with mobilization from these areas postpartum.[69] [70] These studies have indicated that lactation is associated with reduction in subcutaneous fat levels and overall body weight.

Bedtime story

I HAD to share this.

Bedtime story:

book version

youtube version

Because of chocolate

Steps to going out with baby when exclusively pumping and while driving jeep wrangler:

1. Decide to go out and start dreading it

2. Wait for fussy baby to show signs of hunger

3. Distract baby with mobile while installing base of car seat in wrangler

3.1. Climb on backseat of Jeep

3.2 Spend 20 minutes trying to attach hook and hear baby cry

4. Warm up baby's bottle while baby screams in your ear and pulls your hair

5. Feed baby for 20 minutes

6. Hear baby fart loudly and feel poopy warmth in your admonen and leg

7. Burp baby

8. Go change baby and find out that all of his clothes and yours are covered in yellow poop

9. undress baby

10. Undress yourself

11. Hope that neighbors and mailman don't see it

12. Change baby's diaper

13. Place baby back at pack and play so he can watch mobile

14. Go get clean clothes for baby

15. Dress baby up

16. Spend 15 minutes cleaning yellow baby poop stain from his cloths with your bare hands

17. Put on whatever clothes you can find on your body and maybe some lipstick

18. Hear baby cry

19. Go to baby and find out he just wanted to say hello and is smiling

20. Drag pack and play where baby lays to the front of bathroom where you will pump.

21. Pump boobs for twenty minutes and stop fifty times to place pacifier back in baby's mouth

22. Place freshly expressed milk in other bottles and in the fridge

23. Clean bottles

24. Get diaper bag and check to see if there's enough diapers, wipes, change of clothes, formula, bottle, manual pump, blanket, extra pacifiers, protein bar for momma.

25. Wrestle with baby's arms and legs to place baby in car seat

26. Drag heavy car seat to garage

27. Go back to get cell phone and diaper bag

28. Open passenger car and place baby in car seat on it

29. Go around car and climb to back seat through driver's door

30. Pick up baby in car seat in a ninja move and latch seat on base.

31. Clim off car and climb back to driver's seat

Now you are all ready to go.

So this is why I never leave the house. Every time I am faced with step number one, I look at baby sitting on his bouncer, he looks at me and we say, "nah! Let's just stay home."

Except one day I had a sweet tooth and realized desperately that there was no chocolate in the house; not even the powder kind.

I looked at baby sitting on his bouncer. Baby looked at me and I said, "Baby, we are going out! Isnt it exciting?"

Because it was husband's birthday, a cake sounded like a grand idea and we got the Oreo kind, because it's oreo's birthday too. Oreo is 100 years old!

A few days later the entirety of cake has been consumed and I have a baby that doesn't stop crying. I am about to lose my mind and arrive and the pediatrician having my own meltdown.

The doctor simply asked, "Out of curiosity, have you had a little bit of chocolate lately?"

Only an entire cake, I think, but I just say, "yeah, a bit."

"Well, the caffeine in it relaxes their immature stomach, causing the bile to burn their esophagus, so you have to lay off the chocolate."

So we have no wine, no coffee, no leaving the house, no doing anything fun and now no chocolate! Aaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!

And then they wonder where postpartum depression comes from!