Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Because of chocolate (part deux)

At the grocery store the other day I paused by the bakery, put both my hands on the glass, palms flat, bringing my face close to it and said to the brownie on the other side, low enough so no one thought I was the crazy lady with the baby,

"I miss you, brownie. It's been too long..."

Two weeks sans chocolate have gone by. Baby still throws up and screams before bed. It can't be chocolate.

This is what the doctor is telling us. He is reassuring me that baby just needs to eat less to throw up less and that he cries because, well, babies cry...

However, here is the conversation that my stubborn husband carried on:

Husband: So what you're saying is that she shouldn't have any chocolate...

Doctor: She shouldn't change anything in her diet and as little as possible in her routine.

Husband: ...but chocolate in her milk is bad for the baby...

Doctor: We don't know that. As long as baby is fine after she eats it, chocolate is not bad for the baby.

Me (thinking): (a brownie would be really nice right about now)

Doctor: Your wife needs to be happy. She needs to do what makes her happy. She will be a better mom for that.

Me (thinking): (I love you, baby's doc! Next time I will slip you a twenty and have you talk about how husband cleaning toilets is also good for mommy, which is excellent for baby)

Husband: ...but don't you think she should stop eating chocolate?

Me: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Ok, I didn't say that, but that's the look I gave him, and he did shut up.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Angry birds


So a bird bit me the other day. Or pecked me. Whatever.

I was leaving the gym, happy as a clam in high tide, full of endorphins and much needed dopamine, thinking thst life is great, when the damn thing attacked me. It came from freaking nowhere, kamikazed into my head and nibbled on it while its black wings flapped on my face.

Running with my arms flailing and screaming profanities, I freed myself from the hysterical bird, acting hysterical myself, finding safety in my jeep, while breathing heavily with my crazy hair on my face.

That's when I saw the moody bird. It was a crow and it stared at me from a branch with evil eyes, like something right out of a Hitchcock movie. (envision creepy, annoying, repetitive, scary movie music in the background here)

More pissed off than scared I headed home and called everyone and their brother to find out opinions as to why freaky bird freaking bit me. Or pecked.

Apparently there are four reasons as to why a bird would bite (or peck) little me:

1) I'm in a scary movie
2) Someone that looks like me was mean to the bird and they don't forget (hold grudges much?)
3) I look like I either have food or I am food
4) The bird's nest was nearby and she was a hormonal new mom, which is a more likely scenario and one I could relate.

I don't like people coming near my nest either. We are about to receive a lot of guests and just the thought of anyone disturbing my son's schedule or simply holding him makes me want to peck on everyone. Or bite.

If I were still seeing the nutty therapist I used to see (which was actually very good, in her nutty ways), she would tell me that the universe was trying to tell me something.

In this case, I wonder what the heck the universe is trying to tell me? Am I a hysterical mom that needs to chill out and stop going off on people? Or the opposite, should I tackle anyone that gets near my son? Or perhaps I just look that shitty that animals think I am a carcass? What do you think?

Saturday, May 12, 2012

The allegory of this cave

In Plato's allegory of the cave, the people emprisoned and looking at a wall in a cave only saw shadows of reality. They were stuck that way for so long that they actually believed that what they saw was all there was.

Once forced out of the cave, one of the men nearly went blind by the sun, but could still not convince the ones remaining fixated at the wall of the cave that their reality was but a shadow of what was actually out there.

I close my computer and turn off the tv, tired of living life through my television and the Internet.

Being and exclusive pumper, meaning, expressing milk through a machine instead of directly giving it to baby, has made me a pump slave and a marginal in society. For someone who is used to people, talking with people, being around people and being on the go go go, this is all new to me.

Motherhood has forced me to grow faster by checking my needs at the door.

I pump eight times a day, fifteen minutes each time, and no more than four hours in between sessions, with the exception of the night time, when I wake up after six hours to pump. If I go for any longer than that, my breasts reach Dolly Parton proportions and leave my bra like an unruly child.

They also hurt and skipping a pump session can decrease milk supply.

My whole day revolves around the baby's needs and the times for pumping, which seem to rarely ever match. I have done this now so often that I manage to answer emails, play with the little one, feed myself and feed the little guy while expressing milk like a cow.

I have a bra with holes in them, where the pump attaches so my hands are free, which to me is the best invention since sliced bread.

It's time to venture out of the cave, though, even with pump in tow.

So as I turn off all my technology I get baby ready, get myself ready and head, where else? To a bar.

It's a farewell to someone at my husband's office and mine is not the only baby there, but after three anxious hours watching my boobs grow under my shirt I bit the bullet and expanded my comfort zone.

I handed baby to a Marine, as it seems like they are always surprisingly willing (and eager) to hold a baby while their wives just look the other way. Those guys will fight terrorists but will melt at the sight of a little one.

At one point a guy I don't know the name held my baby and told me there was a chocolate store on the other side of the street, if I wanted to go there while he took care of my child. How in the world does he know my predicament with chocolate?

Anywho, I pumped at the bar.

I mean, the bathroom of the bar, but still, how much more modern can I get by expressing milk through a machine while checking my emails on my phone and while drunk girls entered singing out loud, "Sweet Home Alabama?"

At least I am leaving the house to check on reality, whatever that reality is,and that's a start.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Subtle and classy ways to getting a cool gift for your first mom's day


1. Start campaigning a month ahead of time with subtle comments, such as, "Mother's day s coming. I wonder what I'm gonna get?," "This is my first mother's day and therefore the most special..." (remain silent after saying this, staring at husband with intensity in your eyes).

2. Shop on pinterest for something cool and decide to pin a watch. Make comments like, "Check out this watch! It has a hole in the middle!," "I could use a new watch," "My watch is so old I can barely see the time," "If I can't see the time, I won't know when to feed the BABY and the BABY will go hungry."

3. Send husband an email with a clickable link and a subtle title: "Here is what I want, bitch"

4. Get husband's credit card and just buy it

5. Receive it in the mail and put it on before husband has a chance to give to you on the actual mom's day
:oP

Btw. This is not really how it happened, but husband thought this exaggerated version was more amusing.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Why can't we be friends?


While visiting friends
Matt: Hey, you're a tiny, little human
Jayden: No, YOU're a tiny, little human

Jayden: Come here. Gimme a hug.
Matt: Momma, he is scarying me!
Later, on the couch...
Matt: You're back!
Jayden: I'm gonna grab your nose!
Matt : Aaaaaahhhh!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Happy birthday little fetus

Exactly an year ago baby was made.

I know the precise date because we were trying to conceive. After a year, we were in the verge of making the decision to seek a fertility doctor when I decided to take matters into my own hands.

Always a nerd about nutrition and science, I figured that there were natural ways to fix our problem, and there were.

After cramming on fertility and nutrition books I figured out that my luteal phase (the part of the cycle after ovulation) was short, which meant that my estrogen levels were too high and were therefore affecting the progesterone levels. When those are not in sync, the integrity of the uterus gets compromised. I could have gotten pregnant many times before but it never stuck.

The best way to fix a messy luteal phase is through vitamins b6 and b12, which can be found mostly in meats, and I was mostly vegan at that point.

Also, estrogen affects the ph "down there," which makes it not sperm friendly, so the solution I found (get this) is pretty simple: expectorant medication!

So with b complex capsules and mucinex in my system, and armed with a basal termmometer, a little guy was conceived.

A few days later, my bras felt tighter and I blamed it on my husband (because everything that goes wrong must be his fault) for putting all of my bras in the dryer. "Why would I put ALL of your bras in the dryer?" he asked.

A week later we were house shopping across the country and none of the houses appealed to me because the baby needed a yard and a quiet room. Artillery training sounds from the nearby base shook the houses and I shook my head along with it.

"I thought you liked this house," husband would say, and I would answer, "A baby can't sleep through cannons going off!"

"Mariana," my husband would remind me, "You are not pregnant. "

I took yet another pregnancy test that morning and it was negative, again.

"Yes, I am. Those tests don't know shit"

Our very patient realtor took us through more houses than the Japanese tsunami (hi, Steve!). Upon entering every single house, I rushed to a bathroom, feeling sick but with a throw up that never manifested, which made me look even more lunatic.

I heard my husband whisper, "she thinks she is pregnant," with an intonation that accused me of being crazy, as if he had said, "she thinks she is a super hero."

All the sickness went miraculously away once we entered the house we now live. It had light, with windows everywhere, and high ceilings. The backyard has an area to grow vegetables, and fruit trees, grapevines, and bonus passion fruits, which reminds me of my parent's house, in Brazil.

"...but it's old," husband complained. "No, this is home," I said.

That little fetus is now sitting by a palm tree in the yard, looking up and smiling at his larger than life mobili while the breeze blows its leaves, feeling very much at home.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

"sleep like a baby"

Where did that expression come from? Because babies sleep like shit.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Things that wakes us up in the middle of the night

Most new parents wake up in the middle of the night because baby is crying. Not us. Our little one will sleep for ten hours. Better yet, he will not eat for ten hours. Who the heck knows what he is doing there in his crib during that time.

Things that wake us up:

-movement monitor acting moody and setting off

- baby talking with no one

- baby giggling with no one

- baby yoga (he lifts his legs and lower abs and suddenly throws them down with force, causing a thump sound). Also called baby cirque du soleil.

-baby sneezes

-baby sucking fingers with passion

-baby farts

Either way it sounds loud in the sound monitor and most of the time are sudden, scaring the crap out of us, like right now, at 2am.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

I tried

Thanks to Christine (hi, Christine!), I tried giving the baby the boob directly to see what would happen.

As expected, he screamed terrified. I think I traumatized this kid enough with my breasts.

I'm just afraid that when some girl shows him her boobs when he is older, that he will start crying and take off running.

Back to the pump we go.